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katastrophic is © Kat 2001. steal and DIE!

she's so great

2/7/01

     I was told that a girl becomes a woman when she realizes that she is beautiful. I don't really know how or when that is supposed to happen, but apparently I'm not a woman yet. When anyone says I'm beautiful, it just makes me deny it more. I've never taken any kind of compliment well, but this isn't even me acting weird to a deserved compliment - I don't fit the whole 'beautiful' stereotype. Since when am I beautiful? Since yesterday, or last month? What's changed between last year and this year? Funny how when I get huge embarrassing crushes on boys, none of them like me - and just when I don't feel like dealing with them, I've got to do creepy things like block their email addresses and avoid places in school just so they don't smother me.
     Fantastic.
     Beauty's been defined a thousand times, and everyone's got a different perception of it. Maybe that's why I'm having such a hard time with this - beautiful to my best friend is obviously very different from beautiful to the guys I get crushes on. And neither of those is the same as my perception. All I could ask for is to be able to not have to worry about how I look in my clothes or how my hair is behaving, and to have people respect me for all my flaws. Then I'd feel beautiful, I guess. Maybe it'll just be a while before I'm ready to become a woman.