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katastrophic is © Kat 2001. steal and DIE!

my lifelines

12/14/00

     I don't know if this is wrong, or weird, or anything, and I don't know if anybody realizes it, but my friends are what really keep me afloat. It probably should be my parents that help, but it's not. My friends are pretty much it for me. I love them so much. All of them have something in them that I wish I had in myself. I haven't ever really told them that, but I think that's what friendship's about, anyway. I think that's why they say opposites attract. Everybody's looking for someone with the stuff in them that they don't already have. My friends are confident, quiet, unfeeling, and deeply sensitive. I always feel like I'm right in the middle. It'd be nice to be known as the one who can make friends in an instant, or the really caring one. I suppose even being known as the shy person, or the girl who doesn't let anything get to her, would be nice. But I'm just me. I guess I make up for all the other stuff by the punk image. Some of my friends even fall for it. Right after Alia told me she wasn't coming back to school, I started to cry, and she smiled and said, "Even with you're badass image, you're pretty emotional." That was weird. I don't exactly go for badass, but at any other time that would have been a compliment, sort of. At least I'm 'the one with the badass image.' But then there I was crying. I don't think I cry a lot, at least not any more than anyone else, but I think most people are better at hiding it when they do. I analyze my emotions a lot. Kind of step back from it all and just look at it like some scientist just examining the turbulent teenage life of a girl who just happens to be exactly like me. So before Alia said that to me, I had been thinking about the whole possibility of her not coming back. I really didn't feel anything about it. It was strange... but then when she said she wasn't coming back, my feelings came out. That's a facet of society that pisses me off: everyone's trained to try not to show how any emotion or attachment to anyone else. If everyone showed how they felt things would go so much better. People would end up happier.
     I've gone off my topic. Friendships, like I said, are what keep me going. Even though I wish I had a boyfriend right now, that doesn't end up being that important to me. I'd so much rather be friends with five guys than be girlfriend to one guy. That's a new thing for me since I got into high school. At my middle school I didn't really like any of the guys. Some of them were funny, and a couple were cool, but they weren't the type I'd actually be friends with. So high school has been good... but that's another thing, since I'm on an analyzing binge here. My friends and I have 'our guys' but when I think about it, none of us is actually good friends with any of them. I think it's a convenience thing. We need guys, and they need girls, in order to be socially proper. I've only actually had a good conversation with a couple of the guys we hang out with. That makes me feel so bad; why should we hang out unless we actually become friends? Not that it matters any more - I have to start all over this year.
     Another thing about people that I really feel strongly about is the way people make friendships, and the types of friendships they make. I'm worried that my (female) friends and I also kind of band together in order to be seen as socially correct. There are so many people who are so amazing, but aren't even noticed, or are passed over by the 'cool' people. If I could choose, we'd be as close to the guys as we are to each other, and close with the gentle people rather than the ones who look good in bikinis. At that, I don't know how I ever got to be in with the 'cool' group.

I'll write more; not that anyone really wants to read all of this, but it's therapeutic for me. I'm just burnt out on it for now.